Truly Cared For You
by Thisway
Summary: She had many people to explains things to, no one more then him though.
1. Chapter 1

I'll update tomorrow

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June 1st

I'm going to write this for as long as I can. I don't have a lot of time tonight and this whole idea isn't well thought out, not at all. I came to this decision to write this stuff down, what I'm going through down, about an hour ago as I watched Todd… I dunno… I just feel as if I should write this down for people can understand my actions, not to make excuses, just to try to explain myself… if I don't ever get the chance to tell you all face to face.

I guess I should start off with the basics, the boring stuff if you're actually reading this you are likely already are aware of. My name is Victoria Vega, Tori Vega. I'm writing this, four days after my eighteenth birthday, in a spiral notebook I found in a box of my things.

I think I also want to start this off with apologies. I want to apologize to my mom and Trina. I've been pretty rotten these last few months, huh? I've yelled some awful things, worried you a lot, and for that I'm sorry, so sorry. I want to apologize to my friends… my old friends, my Hollywood Arts friends, my true friends. I'm sorry for blowing you off, saying mean, nasty things, stealing and lying. I'm sorry.

Most of all I'm sorry to you Beck Oliver, I want to say I'm sorry for lying to you. I want to say you were absolutely right, all those words you yelled at me a few days ago, you weren't wrong. I'm sorry I pretended that your tears didn't affect me. I'm sorry that you feel that my change was because of you. It wasn't, you have to believe me; it wasn't because of you. It was all me. I made my own choices, made my own bed.

Now, I guess I should start to explain. It began seven months ago… no it began before that actually, but everything crumbled seven months ago. Mom, you were having an affair with Gary. You didn't even try to hide it. While my dad was gone you would text him, invite him over for dinner. Why mom? Do you have any idea how angry I was about that, how torn. You put me in a place I didn't belong. Should I tell dad? That thought was repeated inside my head so many times, all day, all night, it was eating me up. I was consumed by guilt. How weren't you? Trina you seemed oblivious, but you weren't I could tell. When Gary would come by you would amp up your obnoxiousness. You tried to drive him away.

That was the months before everything changed. Seven months ago, dad found out about the affair, I remember it vividly.

I was in a rush as I came home from school; I was supposed to meet Andre at Cat's place for an assignment. Cat had been complaining about how no one ever came to her house for projects and to hang out. Anyway, you two were in the living room, facing off staring at each other faces tight, and then you both had looked away when I entered. Trying to pretend everything was fine. I had thrown my bag onto the couch, noticing a stack of papers sitting on the coffee table.

"Is everything alright?" I had asked, looking between you two and the coffee table. The tension was so thick; I remember how thick it was. Dad's hands had balled and his jaw had clenched, returning his eyes to you mom. Then I had noticed his bleeding lip and bleeding fist. Who had he hit? I had wondered. Who had it him? Gary, I had later found out.

You looked frazzled, upset, but… in a way relieved. You were happy you didn't have to hide your secret anymore.

"Everything is fine, Tori." Mom had said, she had tried to smile at me. "You think you can leave the house for a couple of hours? Your father and I have to discuss something."

I had started to feel ill by then, understanding what was going on. Understanding why dad looked so angry and you looked relieved. I had wanted to say something then, yell at you both to get over yourselves, to not break up our family, but instead all I said was, "I'm meeting up with Andre and Cat at her place."

I had moved towards our stairs to change cloths, pausing at the bottom my hand on the wooden railing. I had looked back at you both; you both were glaring at each other again.

The argument had begun back up before I could get out of the house, beginning in harsh whispers and then growing into loudly enraged yells.

_How could you do this?_

_I love him!_

I had slid from the house, moving unseen by you both as I left. I had pretended it had never happened.

Your divorce had been clean a quick, dad didn't want anything, no, he wanted you mom. He wanted you, but he couldn't have you. He let you have the house, the cars, everything. It was hard those few weeks, for Trina and I. Trina never really cried much, but those weeks she would come into my room and we would cry together, holding each other like we had when I was eight and she was nine and we had watched a horror movie.

Trina got over it quicker than I did. Though I think I hid it well, I couldn't handle the fact that I never saw dad anymore that it was like he honestly didn't want to see me. He was angry at me. I wasn't at all ready to see Gary one morning only a week after coming out of the bed room you had shared with dad. I couldn't handle that, mom. I hated you for that.

Then, you were eloped. I screamed at you, called you stupid. "How could you do this?" I had cried. "You leave, you can't be here! This is my dad's house!" I had yelled at Gary.

You had stepped in front of him and looked at me as if I had done wrong. You protected him from me.

"Tell me when can I be happy, Tori?" You had screamed, tears rolling down your cheeks. "When will it be my turn?" I didn't understand. I still don't. "You girls are nearly grown now, let me be happy!"

I had left then, screaming so loudly it hurt as I stormed from the house. That night I was called home. You had news for me. It was about my dad… my dad…

I'm getting tear stains all over and it's smudging the ink, damn.

Dad… He had gotten shot by a man when investigating a case. Mom, you bawled. You wailed like you were truly heartbroken as you held on to your new husband. Trina had collapsed, making weird noises and sucking in air. Me… I had stood there, numb.

I always thought in a weird way you were involved, mom. Not in that you actually had anything to do with it, only that you seemed to wish it with your mind, to make things easier for Gary who it was awkward for. He having to go to work with the man whose wife he had stolen.

I had left. I don't actually remember how I left, I don't even remember when. All I remember is banging frantically on the metal door of a familiar RV. Why had I gone there? I dunno…

No, that's a lie. I can tell you why I had gone to Beck and not any of my others friends, and that's because I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about not being a bad friend to Jade. I didn't care about being rejected. I didn't care that it was wrong. I needed him, I needed Beck.

I…

I have to go now. Todd's back and he wants me in bed, I better go.

- Tori V.

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	2. Chapter 2

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June 3rd

It's been a rough night for me and my body aches. I explain that later though.

I realized that I mostly spoke to my mother the last time I wrote in this. I didn't mean to do that, but I'll continue how I left off. I think I'll have a little more time to write tonight… he's high, happy.

When Beck opened his door he looked annoyed until his eyes landed on me, his look had turned into one of concern, brown mop hair all over his head, obviously asleep before I showed up.

"What's wrong, Tori?"

I remember my body was shaking, and I remember reaching for him, wrapping my hand around the front of his shirt and pulling him nearly off the RV's steps and pressing his lips into mine. I remember how long I had been waiting to do that. How I thought I wouldn't ever be able to do that. I remember the butterflies that took flight inside my gut and the burning, and how my heart's already chaotic rate increased by forty. It was a desperate needy kiss. I needed him to accept me. It was a kiss full of restricted, hidden emotions.

He had kissed back for a while, with just as much intensity. Then he had pulled back, pulled away, his eyes full of confusion and… regret.

"What… what are you doing, Tori?"

It's not what I wanted to hear. Why was he being like this? He had tried to kiss me before, he had wanted me. But that was before he had gotten back with Jade… before I had willingly helped it happened. Why had I done that? It wasn't what I wanted, not at all.

I remember smacking myself upside my head over and over again, cursing myself. Beck had tried to stop me.

"Whoa, whoa… Tori…" He tried to grab my hand. "What are you doing? You have to tell me what's wrong." He finally got me to stop, holding my arms firmly at my sides. I was sobbing by then. "What's wrong? I'm here for you Tori. You can tell me what's wrong."

I had looked up at him, glaring at him for so many reasons; some had nothing to do with him at all.

"Kiss me, Beck. Why won't you kiss me?" I was in so much pain then. I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't care. His mouth had opened and closed, confusion and worry swam around in his eyes.

"Jade…"

He trailed not finishing his sentence, but he had no reason to. I understood what he was going to say. He loves Jade. He loves you Jade. I quickly turned and stalked away, tears burned the back of my eyes. My legs were clumsy as I moved further and further away from the boy calling my name and telling me to wait. I remember running in a direction, any direction it hardly mattered.

I met Todd on that night, after I had run so far I couldn't anymore. I found myself in front of a night club, one with pulsing music and making out couples on the outside. One I was way too young to get into but waltz right in as if I belonged. I'm not certain what had made me go in.

I just wanted to feel something other than heartache.

It was packed, packed with sweaty dancing intoxicated bodies and they held plastic cups in their hands and held them up towards the ceiling. I couldn't hear anything but the beat of the music; my eyes were completely dry by then.

I moved around for a while aimlessly, onto the flashing light lite floor and up a pair of metal stairs to a bar. A man with three gold teeth and shaggy brown hair had bought me a drink. I don't even remember what it was called, but I remember drinking it and downing, ignoring any discomfort and pain it brought. I remember it grew sort of hot in there after that, and I remember getting up leaving the man who had bought me the alcohol, ignoring him as he grinned and talked.

I stepped out onto the nearly empty balcony, happy to feel a cool breeze on my skin. I had stared out over at the city lights, sadness once again creeping over my skin. I had leaned over, pressing my head against the metal of the balcony.

"Want one? You look like you could use it?"

His voice had been amused and light, but his tone was deep and vibrating. I had looked up quickly because he had sounded so close. He's twenty-five; I could diffidently tell he was at least three years older than me before he even told me. Handsome - blue eyes, long black hair brushing his shoulders, his skin tan stereotypical bad boy. Only he hadn't been holding out anything I had expected, he held out a pack of gum – pepper mint.

He must have read my expression because he lightly smirked and rolled his shoulders, leaning against the balcony railing. "Gum helps me chill… could only be me though." He laughed shortly, eyes on the happenings back inside. He glanced at me again offering me the gum.

I took a piece after a long moment of silence. I had slowly unwrap the gum and stuck it in my mouth, chewing slowly, watching him.

"Todd," he leaned forward and stuck out his hand.

I stared at his offered hand and bit my lip. I then took his head and smiled, feeling as if I had nothing to lose by making a new friend. I was wrong. "You can call me Tori."

()

He was so different from Beck. I didn't mean to compare them, they just were very different. Beck, I admit I had some very serious emotions for, still do. He's a bit of blank slate. His emotions are guarded and hidden even though he claims to have nothing to hide.

Todd is different, he's a walking emotion. His hands are like fire and his kisses leave me breathless, my legs weak and my belly burning. He whispers things into my ear that makes my body shiver and I lose my virginity on the bed in his tiny apartment that night.

As morning sunlight filters through the broken blinds over the window beside the bed, I sat awake, blankly staring into living room which is across from the bed. His arm was wrapped around my waist and I wasn't very sure how to feel. I had slept with a stranger hours after meeting him. That wasn't who I thought I was.

My cell phone goes off again, vibrating on the floor in my pants. I would ignore that call as well. I still wasn't in the mood to face neither my mother, nor any of my friends then.

Todd shifts and peeks up at me through a curtain of dark hair. A smile had appeared across his face which made my face grow hot.

"Good morning," he greeted gruffly and shifts to a sitting position, pulling me into his lap. I had shifted, not use to this, and unsure how I was supposed to act. He had pressed his face into my neck and breathed deeply.

"I…" I stuttered and he quickly shushed me. I could feel a certain part of him harden against my backside and then I'm under him again.

After that I washed up in his bathroom and he had given me one of his shirts to wear as he made me his world famous omelet. He brags and feds it to me when he's done. I tell him it's really good because actually is.

I start to feel more comfortable around him. He told me more about himself, I sat on his lap on his couch as we watched television, and occasionally we would kiss. He was very charming.

"You should answer your phone." He told me a little after noon, "someone is obviously worried about you." I bite my lip and look down, his thumb skims over my jaw and I shiver. He frowns at me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong… I just, I don't want to answer any of those calls."

He had lightly shrugs, "then don't." He then kissed my shoulder, "you don't have to do anything you don't want to." That's what he told me. Maybe I should remind him of his own words.

I'm tired and I think it's time for me to end this entry. I'll continue with next time I guess...

- Tori V.

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	3. Chapter 3

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June 5th

Todd is pissed. I fucked up. Best thing for me to do is to stay locked in the bedroom until he calms down.

I realized something. I realized I didn't want anyone to seriously ever read these. Everything is way too personal… I'll just write to vent then. I think it's alright to skip a few days into my story. I stayed with Todd the whole week. I called my mom and told only because I didn't want her thinking I had gone missing. She had demanded I come home, I refused. We got into a huge fight in which I called her a whore and she hung up on me. I was stunned by my own behavior. I took the bottle of clear liquid Todd was offering after the conversation and leaned into him.

"I wish she would leave me alone." I had mumbled into his chest as he lightly stroked my back. "She's driving me crazy."

The ting of marijuana stung my nose as Todd blew out of his mouth, he waved his joint in my face in offering and I had shaken my head, still unsure about using drugs. He had shrugged.

"Don't you want to get your shit?" He had asked after a minute. I frowned, he had told me to move in with him, but it was really sudden and I wasn't at all sure.

I liked him, liked him a lot, but I had just met him. "Are you sure this is alright with you?" He assured me that he was and we got into his car a couple hours later and headed to my house. Todd has a nice car, a black Bentley, I asked him then what type of job he had, and he only smiled and told me 'things'. If I wasn't hell bent on not going back home, I would have viewed that as a red flag.

Mom caught me as I was in my room shoving my clothes and things I felt were important into my bag. She had stood in front of me with her arms crossed, and her eyes glassy.

"You can't leave, I won't allow it." Her words were uneven and she looked at me like I was a stranger. She couldn't understand what I was doing. I looked at her as if she was a stranger as well. I honestly had no idea who she was anymore. "No one has seen you in seven days, Tori!"

I had picked up my bag and started to exit but mom had blocked me.

"I'm telling you, you're going to stay in this room and think about what you did. You're going to think about how much you made everyone worry! I even put out a missing persons report on you."

I was going to ignore her until she had said that. "You did what?" I remember shrieking at her, anger burning my insides. "Why in the hell would you do that?"

"Victoria Vega –"

"I told you I was alright." I yelled. "It's too late to start worrying about me now, mom! Worry only about Gary like you've been doing!"

"That's not fair, Tori!"

What wasn't fair mom? I had moved by you, not caring that I had to bump you out of my way to get by. Trina was waiting in the hallway, her eyes wide, and I tore by her without even a real glance.

You followed me though didn't you, Trina?

Trina followed me outside and to the car. I ignored you throwing my bag into the back of Todd's Bentley. Your eyes were on him though when I finally looked at you before you looked at me, I never saw you look like that before Trina.

"What are you doing, Tori?" Her voice had cracked. Honestly, though I never let on then, that question rung loudly in my ears. What was I doing?

I got into the car.

Tony held me as I cried about everything that night, and he told me everything would be alright. I smoked weed for the first time that night.

I really have to go now; Todd is kicking our bedroom door.

-Tori V.

June 15th

Sorry it's been so long, I've been in the hospital. Most of you are already aware of that; a few of you came to visit. I'm home now, even though some of you begged me not to. I'm sorry that I couldn't leave him.

Beck, I'm sorry I ignored your pleas. Even though I don't want any of you to read this, I hope you do. I hope you do for you can read my apologies to you.

Yesterday when you dropped me off here you reminded of that time a few months ago when you had somehow tracked me. I had been cleaning up the apartment, Todd was out. He was doing whatever it is he finds himself doing, he never told me anything about it then.

I had answered our door and you stood there a frown on your face. I had been shocked.

"Beck…" I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Can I come in, Tori?" You had asked calmly. Your frown slipped to a kind smile. "It's been awhile." A little over a month I think it was. I hadn't wanted to let you in for many reasons Beck. One of those were Todd didn't like having people in his place if he wasn't home, another was I had been avoiding you for a reason. I was afraid to face you after what I had done that night I came to your RV. I had took a step back anyway, allowing you to enter the apartment and I asked you if you wanted some water and you told me no.

"You should go home." That was the first thing you said to me. That I should go home. "Your mom is worried about you," is what you said.

It had rubbed me the wrong way. You mentioning my mom made me think she had sent you. "We're all worried about you," you added.

"Well, as you can see I'm fine." I snapped. "You can leave now." I reach down and pick up a cigarette and a lighter from the coffee table and light it. Beck, your frown deepened. Why? Jade's a smoker, you don't have an issue with her smoking. Why did you frown like that? You stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room, staring at me with this worried and disapproving gaze. You looked at me like you could read my mind, like you understood how I was thinking and it worried you. That look had made me want to cry.

"That night you came to my RV…" Beck had trailed, finally speaking after only staring at me. "You –"

"You should leave." I had cut you off, because I didn't like how this conversation was going. I didn't want you to bring up. You looked surprised, unhappy that I was asking you to leave. I sat the cigarette into the ash tray without even bringing it to my lips. Honestly, I had just wanted to see your expression when I lit it.

"You should leave." I repeated and wrapped my arms around myself, "now." You looked as if you wanted to argue, but then he quietly sighed and nodded.

"I'll call you later so… please answer." He headed towards the apartment's door and I followed. You remember right? Opening it and coming face to face with Todd. I remember, I remember how his face went blank and your frown deepened even more.

"Who in the hell are you?" Todd had asked, his eyes going to me briefly before going to you again. "What are you doing at my house?"

"He's leaving," I had quickly said, hoping to defuse the entire thing, "right Beck, you're leaving?"

Beck was glaring at him, fingers wrapped around the brass door handle. Why did you have to glare at him? "Yeah, I'm leaving." Then you were gone and you left me alone with Todd who slammed his door closed after you.

"What in the hell was that?" Todd was angry, "didn't I tell you not to let anyone in my place if I'm not home?"

"He's just a friend of mine… I had no idea he was coming over." Todd had moved to a wooden chair in the living room gripping it angrily. His eyes held a look I would learn to fear.

"Come here, Tori." He told me after a while, calmer now. A voice inside my head screamed for me not to, but I did. I don't think I had much of a choice. As soon as I was standing beside me, he backhanded me. I think I was surprised more than hurt. I hit the floor and stayed there, holding my stinging cheek, having trouble wrapping my mind around what had just happened. "Now… just never do it again. Everything will be fine if you never do that again."

- Tori V.

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